Fugues

Designs within designs... that is the clue to heavenAren’t the designs of life but fugues, tossing over the other’s plaintive cry or bubbling laughter while the dark fumes of a past, carried into the present for fear of a future that one cannot conceive in its entirety, thread their way through the permanent – made too vague – and the ephemeral – made vital – giving a shade of grey where a glitter once caught your eye and lending chatoyance to the graphite edges of rough sketches? When the lows of today reverberate in the metallic chambers of a promised tomorrow, aren’t the tunes very different and all present?

I watch relationships around me and wonder as to why there are more distraught ones than engaging and invigorating ones. It is not the intricacies of the relationship per se that calls on for turbulent clouds, but the people involved who, often, aren’t clear as to what to expect from the relationship, from the other individuals involved and – what is most unfortunate – from themselves.

Does a person cease to exist once they accept a relationship?
Does a relationship become so important that the rest of the world is not worth one’s time and association?
Isn’t conflict between choices and possibilities the main cause of a fracture in a relationship? (and there was one post, long ago, where a commenter and I discussed this nearly threadbare)

The relationships I talk about aren’t necessarily the “Luhv” ones but just about any association between human beings. I might not discuss the purely monetary/designed forms, though there is a lot to learn form them.

People enter a relationship to satisfy a need, a want and quite often, a lack. There are certain voids in a life which aren’t one’s own creation. A want for companionship or for conversation would be such an example. The human being, being what he is, does prefer company. Hence, entering a relationship, it does help to realise what is the want/need/lack that is being fulfilled.

Often, a consciously chosen relationship also serves the need to possess or make a trophy of the association or the associate. One needs to be aware of that. The want for a good looking girlfriend might be purely that well cloaked need. Rarely does it stem from the objective want to be associated with someone good looking, like the need to furnish your house with the best linen purely for your own personal delight.

Often the need is purely utile. One needs someone to earn the money for the house, cook the meals, have sex, gain social acceptance, enable procreation, etc. I have heard ladies from the older generation say: “You need a wife to light the lamp of the house!” I took it literally and showed them how it could be done easily without a wife!!

I think relationships primarily reward us with a better understanding of ourselves, and only the fool goes about saying that he always knew everything about himself. In the mirror of the alien soul does one find oneself. Thereafter, one might be able to observe and realise oneself devoid of human souls to reflect one’s being. It is like the assistence sought in spotting the hidden pattern in a large clever sketch, and once the outline is familiar to the eye, the rest of the picture disassembles into more tangible elements. Often I wonder whether the only way we recognise ourselves is by denying what we aren’t. Reminds me of Ramana Maharishi’s “Who am I?“.

In life – and so be it in a relationship – there are three patterns which one needs to be aware of. The primary pattern that continues to undulate and chequer one’s life till the very last breath is that of one’s own self which evolves according to the Divine pattern (which isn’t one of the three). The second pattern is that of the one with whom we relate and how it influences our own (or so it appears). The final pattern whose influence is best realised in retrospect, is that of the non-entities, or those (including inanimate entities) with whom we do not recognise an explicit
relationship. I would intrepret these to follow the Hindu concept of the trinity. There are relationships that nurture and preserve our self in the best form. There are relationships that wear out the individual, revealing facets hitherto unknown or ones we never expected to wear over our bare shoulders and then there are relationships which are always there around us and are created as a casual consequence of being alive.

The deterioration of relationships on this Earth are primarily because of lack of understanding these patterns. Neither life nor relationships are made to be perfect. They are made in order to let the soul metamorphose into what it needs to become (hmm, sounds like the Samkhya shaka of Indian philosophy). Some souls will never learn, but that is their role.

So the philosophy of relationships apart, I think what I have observed is that the need for clarity is the singular reason for the deterioration in relationship. Some call it lack of maturity. I like the word clarity.

How can a person relate to someone when he is unaware of himself? If he only has an idea of what he is, then he can only relate to an idea or an image of the other person, and the relationships is fictitious, or rather real till the day when one of of strive to go beyond the mirage. I, often, wonder about the truth of this statement: We only get to love or hate ourselves.

In a happy and smooth sailing relationship, nothing much is required. Understanding and clarity are only required in times of conflict and uncertainty. Since more relationships are likely than not to run into a storm, it makes sense understanding the need that one feels for the particular relationship. This can be endeavoured only after a fair amount of understanding of the self is achieved. The exercise of understanding a relationship aids in understanding oneself too.

Some people enter a relationship because a rooted coconut tree is of greater use than the eddying foam gurgling down a cascade. What they seek is the stability that the knowledge of being in a family numbering more than one person is more reassuring than the possibility of a happier or rewarding life. Some will always wipe it off with a “The grass is always greener on the other side” which isn’t necessarily far from the truth.

Some people are in a relationship because they are unsure of themselves and wish to have another person to placate their worries of insignificance. The dependence is usually very high and negative traits like possessiveness and jealousy creep in.

Think about it, why would I wish to possess someone? A human spirit can never be possessed. Resistance seems to be the most common knee jerk reaction to any attempt at being possessed. I wish to possess when I wish to ensure that no one else shall have what I have. Marriage, according to me, was an institution created in order to realise that. That a few people entered it because they wished to offer themselves to a relationship doesn’t justify the need for marriage. Realise that those few would have done so even without the rigour of marriage, but what becomes of those who can only have a man or a woman by digging moats around their togetherness? One cannot love and also wish to possess. They are orthogonal feelings. One loves by losing oneself, and one wishes to posses because of the self. Where one is, the other is not.

Having understood the design called “I” and twine of the pattern called “us”, understanding the tapestry of “them” is vital too. A relationship exists in a context, in a social setting. While one might be clear of oneself (or so one might think) and is aware of what they expect from a relationship, the sudden introduction of a variety of other and affecting relationships might only confuse things further. Take the case of a man who believed in the freedom of his woman, thought he understood himself well and entered wedlock with his lady-love. What became of them? When the lady was immensely focussed on her work and wasn’t around when the guy wanted her, he didn’t know how to react and didn’t understand the dialect of his relationship. He forbade her to work, there was a major disagreement, she quit her work and sat around whenever he wanted her to, but they couldn’t relate to each other. He might have defined his want from the relationship as a simple “I want her around me”.

Having said all this, I am still stumped by what people do with their relationships. Many things defy all logic or understanding. Possessiveness and jealousy are just some of the acrid venom in a relationship. Some bring in their ego and will not bother to talk or stay in touch with the person they once related to, but will still cling to the memorabilia of the yesterdays. Some people will always want reassurance no matter how often they had received them in the past. Some people will take the other for granted and never invest in the relationship although they expect everything to be normal and work as a well-oiled machinery. Still more do not accept that they are never in the relationship for what the relationship entails, but merely because they don’t want to be out of a relationship. The sordid wants of the human ego disallow realising a relationship in its purest form. And once a pure relationship is realised, the need for exclusivity, for self-propagation, for resisting, for suppressing and the fear of being lonely vanish into thin air. Before relating to anyone else, love yourself. If you can love yourself honestly and in all earnest, then throw your doors open. Well, you are right, there wouldn’t be any door!

Advertisements

21 thoughts on “Fugues

  1. Dear Eroteme,A very thought provoking post. Self introspection and realizing who we actually are, is actually a very important step toward being successful in any relationship whatsoever, more so when ‘luv’ is in the picture.More often than not, fights in a relationship sprout because of too much familiarity and people forget that those familiar aspects were what drew them to him/her in the first place. I feel celebration of differences is extremely important. And that can come only when we accept ourselves the way we are, in short, love ourselves for the persons we are.Possessiveness can be negative, I agree, but funnily a large percentage of women like that in their men 🙂And about marriage!! No wonder people feel trapped after sometime.We say that our partner doesn’t understand us. In reality it is we who fail to understand our inner fabric.Your talk about the three patterns struck me to be quite unique.Lastly, a follow-up post on ‘Luhv’ will be quite apt.. So, do I see Travis all set to go? 🙂

  2. <>How can a person relate to someone when he is unaware of himself? <>Because we all are in that state of being “Unaware” of the true reality. <>The deterioration of relationships on this Earth are primarily because of lack of understanding these patterns.<>Don’t quite agree with that. Take the case of a person who is not equipped with adequate knowledge of doing analysis of his own behavior or the behavior of society. Would such a person ever be happy (in a sustained manner) in a relationship?.Take the point to extreme….would a person who is mentally challenged be happy in a relationship? Due the increased mental activity of our daily life, relationships today need to have the foundation of mental compatibility – which point towards knowledge of one’s own self.But the truth is, the activity of the heart and the sensitivity of the heart can work out things without the need of mental activity. What they say is gravity of the being is necessary for holding on and sustaining relationship. This gravity gives the patience needed by individuals to grow in awareness along with the relationship.<>The exercise of understanding a relationship aids in understanding oneself too.<>Very true.<>Before relating to anyone else, love yourself. <>It is easier to love yourself by giving love to others….especially to children.Love the One who is the source of Love. And then the heart will know its purpose.Why are thoughts and words overvalued ?.

  3. Hi! Eroteme!Well… contemplating Life is my fav pastime…esp Buscaglia’s speeches enabled me to look at life and relationships in a different light.So thanks for this post of your’s.[will have to read your take on it ….](*_*) UmaHope it is okay to share my blog URL with you…http://soul-circling.blogspot.com/Am not a Tamilian, so had some problems communicating with the locals in Thiruvanmalai …but the Ashram is so serene…esp the meditation room and there was a beautiful place serving French cuisine 🙂I have a lot to say about “Who Am I”…but have to shut up for now.

  4. Dear M,Celebration of differences? Hmmm. Interesting thought. Women like a lot of funny things in men (some survey revealed they like them hairy!! 😮 ). Glad you enjoyed the post. Post on “Luhv”? Gosh! Now you are the 2nd person asking for this… Dunno. Maybe when the pen decides to write on that, you might find a post. 🙂Dear S,True, we are all in that state, but being in that state can you relate to anyone at all, in the true sense? A person who cannot analyse his behaviour will invariably always fail if he is faced with conflict. If he is the kind who can influence smoothly without understanding or yield effortlessly, then his conflicts might vanish in the course of time. In case they don’t, his relationships will. As you might have noted, I am only talking about relationships that run into conflict (which makes about 99.9999% of them). Not sure about loving yourself vs loving others. Children are a different species (and last night I fell in love with this adorable young child in a blue dress who was busy talking to her imaginary friend when she spotted me, smiled shyly and ran back to her parents. Sigh!) and they simply love. They don’t spend too much time thinking like we do. They are essentially pure feeling and pure truth. Where thoughts and words hold no values, my posts aren’t read! 😀Dear Anon-U (or should I call you SC?)Pastime? Not read Buscaglia… maybe I will. And? Did you read the post? 😐 Thank you for sharing your blog URL. Read through it (and you make it easy by having just 3 posts in there 😉 and I wonder why you stopped writing… An “Uma” who is not a Tamilian but in Chennai and knows Tanjore painting!? That’s a new one. Not met anyone with this combo… 🙂 Heard a lot about Thiruvannamalai. Some of my folks are there. Should pay that place a visit…

  5. 😀 – this effort of a comment from me deserves a nobel prize, if not two!!Here goes –“Aren’t the designs of life but fugues, tossing over the other’s plaintive cry or bubbling laughter while the dark fumes of a past, carried into the present for fear of a future that one cannot conceive in its entirety, thread their way through the permanent – made too vague – and the ephemeral – made vital – giving a shade of grey where a glitter once caught your eye and lending chatoyance to the graphite edges of rough sketches? When the lows of today reverberate in the metallic chambers of a promised tomorrow, aren’t the tunes very different and all present?I watch relationships around me and wonder as to why there are more distraught ones than engaging and invigorating ones. It is not the intricacies of the relationship per se that calls on for turbulent clouds, but the people involved who, often, aren’t clear as to what to expect from the relationship, from the other individuals involved and – what is most unfortunate – from themselves. I THINK THAT TO SPEAK OF RELATIONSHIPS AS SEPARATE FROM THE PEOPLE IN IT, IS MOOT.Does a person cease to exist once they accept a relationship? IT IS A QUESTION OF WHAT I WANT TO DO WITH MY LIFE, AND THE ACTUAL PHYSICAL SECONDS IN IT. SINCE IT IS MY CHOICE TO DEDICATE MYSELF COMPLETELY TO ONE PERSON/RELATIONSHIP, THERE IS NO QUESTION OF DESCRIBING IT AS MY CEASING TO EXIST; INSTEAD OF FRITTERING AWAY MY ENERGIES IN THE NAME OF UNIVERSAL/SPIRITUAL LOVE, I CONSOLIDATE THEM AND ACTUALISE MYSELF BY MEANS OF ENRICHING ONE RELATIONSHIP. CONTRARY TO WHAT YOU PRESUME, I ACTUALLY ENERGISE AND ENRICH MYSELF THROUGH FOCUS, DEDICATION AND SINGLEMINDEDNESS TOWARDS ONE PERSON, (OR ONE JOB – :-); YOU NEVER COULD UNDERSTAND FOCUS, COULD YOU, BE IT CAREERS, OR HUMAN BEINGS. A PITY, BUT THAT’S WHAT YOU ARE! )Does a relationship become so important that the rest of the world is not worth one’s time and association? GIVEN A SECOND OF MY LIFE, STUDYING MY PRIORITIES AND OPTIONS AVAILABLE FOR EVERY SECOND OF MY LIFE, IT COULD BE INEVITABLE FOR ME BY NATURE OF THE PERSON I AM NOW HAVING A RELATIONSHIP WITH, THAT I DON’T CARE FOR OTHER PEOPLE WHO MAY HAVE BEEN IN MY LIFE BEFORE I MET HIM.Isn’t conflict between choices and possibilities the main cause of a fracture in a relationship? (and there was one post, long ago, where a commenter and I discussed this nearly threadbare). BESIDES THE CONFLICT YOU MENTION, THERE IS ALSO A CHILDISH LACK OF MATURITY THAT LEADS TO A WANDERING MIND, AND A ROVING EYE, THAT WANTS ALL THAT IT DOESN’T HAVE AND WANTS TO GIVE UP ALL THAT IT HAS; A GREED, A STUPIDITY ARE RAMPANT REASONS FOR FRACTURES TO OCCUR IN RELATIONSHIPS.The relationships I talk about aren’t necessarily the “Luhv” ones but just about any association between human beings. I might not discuss the purely monetary/designed forms, though there is a lot to learn form them.People enter a relationship to satisfy a need, a want and quite often, a lack. There are certain voids in a life which aren’t one’s own creation. A want for companionship or for conversation would be such an example. The human being, being what he is, does prefer company. Hence, entering a relationship, it does help to realise what is the want/need/lack that is being fulfilled. OK. FAIR ENOUGH.Often, a consciously chosen relationship also serves the need to possess or make a trophy of the association or the associate. One needs to be aware of that. The want for a good looking girlfriend might be purely that well cloaked need. Rarely does it stem from the objective want to be associated with someone good looking, like the need to furnish your house with the best linen purely for your own personal delight. OK.Often the need is purely utile. One needs someone to earn the money for the house, cook the meals, have sex, gain social acceptance, enable procreation, etc. I have heard ladies from the older generation say: “You need a wife to light the lamp of the house!” I took it literally and showed them how it could be done easily without a wife!!I think relationships primarily reward us with a better understanding of ourselves, and only the fool goes about saying that he always knew everything about himself. In the mirror of the alien soul does one find oneself. WHY ONLY RELATIONSHIPS? EVERY SINGLE THING THAT I EXPERIENCE IN LIFE GIVES ME A BETTER UNDERSTANDING OF MY HIDDEN SELVES AND OVERT SELVES. I AGREE WITH YOU HERE ANYWAY.. Thereafter, one might be able to observe and realise oneself devoid of human souls to reflect one’s being. It is like the assistence sought in spotting the hidden pattern in a large clever sketch, and once the outline is familiar to the eye, the rest of the picture disassembles into more tangible elements. Often I wonder whether the only way we recognise ourselves is by denying what we aren’t. THERE IS NO END POINT WHERE IT HAPPENS LIKE YOU SEEM TO DEPICT IN THE PREVIOUS SENTENCE – LIFE IS ALWAYS FULL OF PEOPLE AND ENCOUNTERS AND ALL THESE ALWAYS ACT AS TOUCHSTONES TO OUR OWN NATURE AND PERSONALITIES. IT IS NOT AS THOUGH WE REACH A POINT WHERE WE SAY THAT WE DON’T NEED ANYMORE OF THE EARTH BECAUSE WE HAVE GOT ALL THE GROWTH FROM IT THAT IS POSSIBLE. IF WE FEEL COMPLETE IN OURSELVES, EVEN THEN ENCOUNTERS SPRING SURPRISES THAT CALL OUR BLUFF, AND WE ARE JUST LEFT WITH AN “AAAW!” Reminds me of Ramana Maharishi’s “Who am I?”.In life – and so be it in a relationship – there are three patterns which one needs to be aware of. The primary pattern that continues to undulate and chequer one’s life till the very last breath is that of one’s own self which evolves according to the Divine pattern (which isn’t one of the three). The second pattern is that of the one with whom we relate and how it influences our own (or so it appears). The final pattern whose influence is best realised in retrospect, is that of the non-entities, or those (including inanimate entities) with whom we do not recognise an explicitrelationship. I would intrepret these to follow the Hindu concept of the trinity. There are relationships that nurture and preserve our self in the best form. There are relationships that wear out the individual, revealing facets hitherto unknown or ones we never expected to wear over our bare shoulders and then there are relationships which are always there around us and are created as a casual consequence of being alive. BEAUTIFUL.The deterioration of relationships on this Earth are primarily because of lack of understanding these patterns. Neither life nor relationships are made to be perfect. THE THIRST AND ASPIRATION FOR PERFECTION BELIES THE ACCEPTANCE OF THIS CLAIM BY YOU, CONVENIENT THOUGH IT WILL BE TO ACCEPT THIS AND GO ON IN LIFE, ACCEPTING ALL THAT HAPPENS TO US BY WAY OF RELATIONSHIPS OR OTHER EVENTS THAT ARE EXCLUSIVELY LIFE’S GIFT TO THE LIVING. They are made in order to let the soul metamorphose into what it needs to become (hmm, sounds like the Samkhya shaka of Indian philosophy). Some souls will never learn, but that is their role. NEVER SAY NEVER AGAIN, BECAUSE THE WONDERFUL “FACT” OF REBIRTH ALLOWS FOR THE LEARNING TO COME IN A LATER BIRTH!So the philosophy of relationships apart, I think what I have observed is that the need for clarity is the singular reason for the deterioration in relationship. Some call it lack of maturity. I like the word clarity. CLARITY DOESN’T LEAD AUTOMATICALLY TO A HEALTHY WELDING OF RELATIONSHIPS. ACCEPTANCE , UNDERSTANDING AND DETERMINATION TO VALUE A RELATIONSHIP ARE THE ONLY WAY TO MAKE IT LAST.How can a person relate to someone when he is unaware of himself? HE VERY EASILY CAN – I CAN LIVE MY NATURE EASILY ENOUGH WITHOUT BEING AWARE OF MYSELF; RELATIONSHIPS HAPPEN IN MY LIFE AND WHEN THERE ARE RIFTS THERE ARE THE SCHISMS, AND WHEN HARMONY PREVAILS THEY JUST DO; LIFE HAPPENS BEYOND EVEN CONSCIOUSNESS OR AWARENESS IN ME OF ME OR OF LIFE ITELF. If he only has an idea of what he is, then he can only relate to an idea or an image of the other person, and the relationships is fictitious, or rather real till the day when one of of strive to go beyond the mirage. I, often, wonder about the truth of this statement: We only get to love or hate ourselves. LET’S NOT INDULGE IN SOPHISTRY, LET US ACCEPT THAT I AM DIFFERENT FROM A SECOND PERSON AND HENCE THE SPARK AND FRICTION OF A RELATIONSHIP; IF YOU WANT TO GO TO PLACES SUCH AS UNIVERSAL UNITY, AND MY OUTSIDE JUST BEING MY INSIDE, WE NEEDNT DISCUSS RELATIONSHIPS AT ALL. DIFFERENCE IS WHAT LEADS TO RELATIONSHIPS – THE DIFFERENCE OF THERE BEING 2 EXCLUSIVE INDIVIDUALS.In a happy and smooth sailing relationship, nothing much is required. Understanding and clarity are only required in times of conflict and uncertainty. Since more relationships are likely than not to run into a storm, it makes sense understanding the need that one feels for the particular relationship. This can be endeavoured only after a fair amount of understanding of the self is achieved. The exercise of understanding a relationship aids in understanding oneself too. SOMEHOW YOU HAVE MADE THE WHOLE JOY AND EXCITEMENT OF THE INITIAL, MIDDLE AND GROWTH OF A RELATIONSHIP A NONFACTOR – YOU MAKE NOTHING OF SPONTANEITY THAT NONCALCULATED MENTAL DECISIONS MAKE FOR. EVERYTHING THAT YOU SAY FROM HERE ON SOUNDS LIKE THE BEST STEPS TO BUY THE BEST SCRIP IN THE STOCK MARKETS. MERCENARY AND MATERIAL AND COLDBLOODED. EMOTIONS AND PASSIONS SEEM TO BE NONEXISTENT HERE, AND YOU WANT ALL HUMAN BEINGS TO BE LIKE A DESPOT GOD AT THE TOP TAKING DECISIONS AS TO WHOM TO LOVE, WHAT TO LOVE AND WHEN TO LEAVE. A PITY. RELATIONSHIPS ARE NOT LIKE THAT BETWEEN A BOSS AND A SUBORDINATE, ALWAYS EVALUATING WHAT ONE’S GOAL IS , WHAT ONE GETS VISAVIS WHAT ONE GETS.Some people enter a relationship because a rooted coconut tree is of greater use than the eddying foam gurgling down a cascade. What they seek is the stability that the knowledge of being in a family numbering more than one person is more reassuring than the possibility of a happier or rewarding life. Some will always wipe it off with a “The grass is always greener on the other side” which isn’t necessarily far from the truth.Some people are in a relationship because they are unsure of themselves and wish to have another person to placate their worries of insignificance. The dependence is usually very high and negative traits like possessiveness and jealousy creep in. YOUR FAVOURITE GROUSE AGAINST THE MOST ENJOYABLE ASPECT OF A RELATIONSHIP- BEING POSSESSED BY SOMEONE WHO WANTS TO POSSESS ME; I DON’T WANT TO POSSESS MEANS I DON’T VALUE THAT PERSON AT ALL, IT IS ONLY INDIFFERENCE TO SOMEONE THAT CAN LEAD TO NON-POSSESSIVENESS. THE MOMENT I FIND SOMEONE I LIKE, RESPECT, I WANT TO STAKE CLAIM ON THAT PERSON. THERE IS A JOY IN INDIVIDUALITY AND EXCLUSIVITY THAT IS VERY FULFILLING. IF YOU PERSONALLY DON’T FEEL POSSESSIVE TOWARD SOMEONE, IT ONLY MEANS THAT YOU DON’T CARE MUCH FOR THAT PERSON VISAVIS YOU. YOU MAY OF COURSE FEEL CARING AND AFFECTION, BUT NOTHING MUCH ELSE.Think about it, why would I wish to possess someone? BECAUSE HE IS WORTH POSSESSING, LIKE A BEAUTIFUL SARI THAT I WOULD LIKE TO OWN? A human spirit can never be possessed. OH GIVE ME A BREAK, THE HUMAN SPIRIT NEEDS NOTHING AT ALL, SO WHY TALK ABOUT IT WHEN WE ARE SPEAKING OF RELATIONSHIPS? RELATIONSHIPS ARE TO DO WITH THE LIMITED IN A HUMAN BEING; AND THE LIMITED CAN BE POSSESSED WELL ENOUGH. Resistance seems to be the most common knee jerk reaction to any attempt at being possessed. NOT AT ALL –I WOULDN’T LIKE TO BE POSSESSED BY A PERSON ONLY IF I DON’T RESPECT OR ADMIRE OR LIKE THE PERSON. OTHERWISE, TO SEE SOMEONE BEING POSSESSIVE OF ME AND MY BEING POSSESSIVE OF ME, IS BEAUTIFUL. I wish to possess when I wish to ensure that no one else shall have what I have. NOT REALLY – WHEN 2 PEOPLE WHO ARE INTO EACH OTHER ARE IN A RELATIONSHIP, THEY DON’T LOOK BEYOND EACH OTHER; THERE IS NO NEED TO ASK OR DEMAND FIDELITY/ OR IN YOUR WORDS, POSSESSION! Marriage, according to me, was an institution created in order to realise that. That a few people entered it because they wished to offer themselves to a relationship doesn’t justify the need for marriage. Realise that those few would have done so even without the rigour of marriage, but what becomes of those who can only have a man or a woman by digging moats around their togetherness? One cannot love and also wish to possess. SORRY – WRONG AGAIN! – BOTH LOVE AND POSSESSION ARE THE RESULT OF THE GREAT UNDENIABLE FACT THAT I EXIST. I AM THE KEY TO EACH AND EVERYTHING IN MY LIFE. SO TO SPEAK OF LOVE BEING THE RESULT OF LOSING ONESELF AND POSSESSIVENESS BEING THE RESULT OF JUST BEING ONESELF IS A LOT OF CRAP; LOVE AND BEING POSSESSIVE ENHANCE ME. PROVIDED THEY ARE RECIPROCATED. OTHERWISE BOTH ARE A CURSE. UNREQUITED LOVE AND UNFULFILLED SENSE OF POSSESSIVENESS BOTH LEAD TO UNTOLD MISERY IN THE PERSON WHO FEELS THEM. LOVE CANNOT BE WITHOUT AN I; PLEASE DON’T VOICE WORDS THAT HAVE BEEN TOLD FOR CENTURIES JUST BECAUSE THEY SOUND GOOD- LOVE AND SELFLESS! –BAAAAAAAAAH. They are orthogonal feelings. One loves by losing oneself, and one wishes to posses because of the self. Where one is, the other is not. BOTH ARE IN ME, CAN BE IN ME. IN LARGE MEASURES. BECAUSE THEY ARE CAUSED BY ME, NOT BY NOT- MEHaving understood the design called “I” and twine of the pattern called “us”, understanding the tapestry of “them” is vital too. A relationship exists in a context, in a social setting. While one might be clear of oneself (or so one might think) and is aware of what they expect from a relationship, the sudden introduction of a variety of other and affecting relationships might only confuse things further. Take the case of a man who believed in the freedom of his woman, thought he understood himself well and entered wedlock with his lady-love. What became of them? When the lady was immensely focussed on her work and wasn’t around when the guy wanted her, he didn’t know how to react and didn’t understand the dialect of his relationship. He forbade her to work, there was a major disagreement, she quit her work and sat around whenever he wanted her to, but they couldn’t relate to each other. He might have defined his want from the relationship as a simple “I want her around me”. OK.Having said all this, I am still stumped by what people do with their relationships. Many things defy all logic or understanding. Possessiveness and jealousy are just some of the acrid venom in a relationship. POSSESSIVENESS IS NOT A VENOM, IF RECIPROCATED;WHEN I AM POSSESSIVE ABOUT MY HUSBAND AND HE OF ME, IT IS A SWEET GAME OF LIGHTNESS AND WE CONSCIOUSLY ENJOY IT WITH A SMILE!ALSO, INSTEAD OF FESTERING THE INSECURITY THAT LEADS TO BOTH POSSESSIVENESS AND JEALOUSY, BY NONCHALANTLY IGNORING THE PERSONALITY OF THE POSSESSIVE PARTNER, AND GOING AROUND WITH ALL AND SUNDRY, TO MAKE THAT PERSON FEEL LOVED AND WANTED AND IMPORTANT. JEALOUSY IS EASILY SOLVED THAT WAY. Some bring in their ego and will not bother to talk or stay in touch with the person they once related to, but will still cling to the memorabilia of the yesterdays. Some people will always want reassurance no matter how often they had received them in the past. THEIR PROBLEM IS OF A LOW SELFESTEEM, WHICH REQUIRES ANOTHER TREATMENT ALTOGETHER. Some people will take the other for granted and never invest in the relationship although they expect everything to be normal and work as a well-oiled machinery. Still more do not accept that they are never in the relationship for what the relationship entails, but merely because they don’t want to be out of a relationship. GOOD OBSERVATION FROM YOU OF THE HUMAN ANIMAL AND ITS SO CALLED RELATIONSHIPS. The sordid wants of the human ego disallow realising a relationship in its purest form. AAAH!- YOUR FAULT, EROTEME, LIES IN THE FACT THAT YOU HAVE A RUTHLESS EYE TO THE FLAWS OF ANYTHING AND EVERYTHING THAT GOES TO MAKE THIS LIFE AND WORLD, WITHOUT THE CAPACITY TO DEPICT, DESCRIBE AND EXPLAIN WITH AN EQUAL PASSION AND SINCERITY AND VOLUBILITY AND VERBOSITY, THE IDEAL AND THE MALADY’S REMEDY. AND SO WE JUST SEE IN PASSING A PHRASE “IN ITS PUREST FORM” WITHOUT ANYTHING ELSE AS TO WHAT IT ENTAILS, OR HOW IT IS BROUGHT ABOUT IN THIS SORDID EGO DRIVEN WANTS-FILLED LIFE. And once a pure relationship is realised, the need for exclusivity – THE NEED FOR THIS INCREASES, IF IT IS THAT WONDERFUL A RELATIONSHIP AND IF IT IS THAT PURE!, for self-propagation, for resisting, for suppressing and the fear of being lonely vanish into thin air – again, the fear of being lonely increases, because buddy, I have tasted the goods (of this pure wonderful relationship with this great person; I would never ever want to lose him, would I, and face the scratching wounds of loneliness…). Before relating to anyone else, love yourself. HMMM. SEEMS IRRELEVANT TO ME; I SUPPOSE YOU MEAN TO SAY THAT ONE SHOULD BE SECURE UNDER ONE’S OWN SKIN; IN THAT CASE, BELIEVE ME I WOULDN’T NEED ANYONE ELSE. THEY WILL JUST BE GRAVY TO ME, AND MAINLY MY MOTIVATION WILL BE INDIFFERENCE AND NOT EMOTIONAL INVOLVEMENT, BECAUSE, ARENT I SEFSUFFICIENT? If you can love yourself honestly and in all earnest, then throw your doors open. I too am a human being, able to see things in me that I well hate; so does this warrant a disqualification where relationships with a second person go? Loving oneself has nothing to do with loving others. Actually if I accept your theory that to love is to lose one’s self, the more I hate myself and therefore willing to be selfless, the easier it would be for me to love others and live for others.Well, you are right, there wouldn’t be any door!A LAST WORD – HUMAN BEINGS IN THEMSELVES BORE ME NO END; AND ALL THAT HAS TO DO WITH THEM INCLUDING THIS NEVERENDING TALK ABOUT THEIR INTERESTS AND LIVES AND OF COURSE NOWADAYS THEIR RELATIONSHIPS IS MOST UNINTERESTING TO ME. BE THAT AS IT MAY, YOU MAKE THEM SEEM IMPORTANT, AND YOU OBVIOUSLY BELIEVE THAT THEY ARE TOO – GLORY BE TO YOU, AND MAY THE SCALES NEVER FALL FROM YOUR EYES…ENJOY!# Loveena could tear me to shreds of course, if she takes your side here, or should we say the side of TRUTH, as noble E would claim 🙂 ?

  6. Dear P,Why don’t I simply give you the password to my blog and you could write a post!! 😮 Jesus! A comment longer than a post makes a comment out of my post. Glad there is at least something in the post which appeals to your tastes! 🙂 You can have as many Nobel prizes as you want! 😀Please note that I am glad you put to words what I didn’t want to. A person, complete from within, will not have much to do with relationships. But this is to be interpreted correctly. He doesn’t bear a disgust for relationships but simply offers his imperishable self to every single relationship. More on this later… 🙂1. No one ever spoke about relationships as separate from individuals, but individuals exist prior to relationships (though individuality might not ;-). Hence, a relationship per se need not be a complicated one, but the people with the peculiar idiosyncrasies can make it so.2. Dedicating yourself completely to one person? So help me understand what happens when this person is no longer around (due to tell of time or due to his choice to leave you and go). Would you be in a stable state, in a balanced state? My concern is primarily that of the individual and the individual alone matters to me. Once the individual’s purity crystallises into his being, how he relates and with whom he relates will not be much of a matter of concern. Innate focus is different from induced focus. A marriage which requires that the couple do not look at another person is bound to have as many transgressors as those who enter holy matrimony. Compare this to a state where two people simply feel so complete in each other, that the world matters not. They will not (and of course this is my conjecture as I have never met any couple like that) place rules for the other, nor will they have time and space for jealousy/possessiveness. I personally believe that they will find the world more beautiful (as one does when totally immersed in the Divine) and will not relate to it with negative emotions/feelings. So yes, I will never understand (induced) focus, but why pity me!? 🙂3. A roving eye is not necessarily a childish immaturity. Neither is it maturity. If what the world has offered till now is not worth your time, you will look elsewhere. Till you find what competes you, the mind/eye will wander. Hence, it is not immaturity. Why is it not maturity? I will leave that to you to figure out. 🙂4. 🙂 My thirst and aspiration for perfection is my own undoing. So let us not go there… 🙂5. What we study is in the confines of one birth. Since the determinants for rebirth (if one exists) are unknown (at least to me), it makes little sense to count on rebirth.6. Clarity will surely not award you anything as much as a hammer doesn’t automatically drive in the nails into the board. Acceptance, understanding and determination? Hmmm.7. Living your nature and relating to someone are two different things. You shouldn’t have made the mistake of confusing these two. Your nature is neither obvious to you (as you are unaware of yourself) neither can it be expected to be clear to the other person with whom you relate. The issue is only what happens when there are conflicts (as I mentioned in my response to Shivani’s comment). If your nature is to simply drop them and go on to what your natural self leads you to, you will not have many relationships, or will have several failed relationships which you have left behind and walked on. But, voicing your own concerns, if a person lives so dispassionately, then is there a relationship at all?8. I loved the way you put this: “DIFFERENCE IS WHAT LEADS TO RELATIONSHIPS – THE DIFFERENCE OF THERE BEING 2 EXCLUSIVE INDIVIDUALS.” I shall let this stay except when I wish to drown you with your own argument!! 😀9. Hmmm. Is being aware of yourself a calculated move? Is being aware of the lacunae in your life a calculated move? Is being aware of relationships and what there is in there for everyone (including yourself) a calculated move? As I said, if there is no conflict, then you needn’t bother. If you are in a state of conflict, isn’t the want to resolve it, itself a calculation of the mind/heart? Placating your partner, altering your ways… aren’t they all calculated means to achieving an end that you do not wish to recognise in explicit words since you consider that act of recognition the work of a scheming mind? You never decide whom to love (though … forget it, let’s keep this simple 🙂 but loving is never conflicting. You simply love. When you wish to enter into a relationship based on that love (like symbiosis, relationships of hatred, etc.) then you need to be aware. If love is all that mattered to you, why should the man be affected if his loving wife tells him that she doesn’t wish to have children? He does get affected, right? When they do love each other… and love is all that matters… things are different. They are aware.9.5 Awareness is not mere cogitation. That would be a rather naive take on the profound exercise of realising oneself.10. Would I ever want to be considered a beautiful sari? Never! You wish to own, because you don’t wish to lose it to another person. Have you ever thought about whether anyone ever tries to own a river (The southern states are doing that. Why?)? Or the air? Or a cloud? But we wish to own a nightingale and keep it for ourselves or show it off. We wish to own a wo/man and perhaps, show her/him off. That we call them wife/husband is entirely a non-issue.11. But by possessing the limited human being, you disallow the spirit to flower. 12. “…THEY DON’T LOOK BEYOND EACH OTHER; THERE IS NO NEED TO ASK OR DEMAND FIDELITY/ OR IN YOUR WORDS, POSSESSION!” Hence, possessiveness comes into being when you really aren’t into each other and is hence, absent in true complete relationships. Glad you agree with me! 🙂13. I am sorry, love and possessiveness simply cannot coexist. 14. Two fools always make a happy party, but that doesn’t mean they aren’t fools. If two people relish being possessed by another, that doesn’t make possessiveness wonderful.15. The malady’s remedy, dear Parvati? Why, haven’t I said enough about what will make healthier relationships? Let me summarise: When the “I” exists, clarity alone serves as a beacon through the dark night.For he who revels in the One, what use be – in a glowing world – of light?16. How could I ever lose interest in this beautiful world, dear Parvati? Isn’t Eroteme what ends every question? 😉 And with so much to know, to realise, how can the interest wane? Suffer me a while longer, milady, for I too shall perish! 🙂 I miss Loveena. I suppose she is busy and I haven’t been even half as kind to her as she has been to this blog. I wish she takes my side! 🙂 BTW, uppercase in the e-world corresponds to shouting in the auditory world. Not that I suspect you of taking leave of your graceful self, but I suppose you weren’t aware of such conventions. 🙂On a purely personal note, thank you. This blog is indebted to you for the energy and involvement you award it. Honestly, it is a pleasure to write when one is assured of readers like you. God bless you… 🙂

  7. :-D……and the twain shall never meet, will they? # Anyway, good for your lazy grey cells that my comment made them jump and work out more. Otherwise with too much flattery/compliments from your loving commenters, howsoever honest and sincerely meant, you would have gotten into a rut of soporofic smugness. Thank ME for the social service rendered :-)!# Sorry about the uppercase vulgarity – ignorant that Iam, I couldnt find a better way of showing my comments as distinct from your post since the former intersperse the latter at various points. I have no clue about writing in italics or in various font colours in blogcomments. Do enlighten me on this technicality when you can.# Aah. This blog will survive readers like me ten times over! Where your writing goes, you definitely are spiritually selfsufficient. Readers are just gravy adding to the glitter; the gold is all in you. # Anyway, write a lot and even better. A gift that is not in even the most special people of this poor earth has been bestowed on you in happy generous dollops by God. Nourish it, cherish it by writing writing and writing. All else will take care of itself—Granny Goose.# AMEN.

  8. To go on and if I may do so with a tad bit of honesty? –There is a deception in your way of handling various vicissitudes that go to make life, thought and actions and of course human beings. And that fallacy is the simple fact that you had rather always live in the medieval dark worlds of the “little i”; had rather passionately adopt the so called “clarity/beacon light” of your mind that fumbles and stumbles and collates and collects and analyses and concludes ad infinitum; had rather enjoy the titillating drama of the serious and useless games of the mind, which doesn’t see at all, and even if it does, its sight increases the darkness in the scheme of things more than enlighten the truth – the clarity that you are so fond of is no clarity at all, it is not awareness at all, it is not a solution at all.The pity is that though you KNOW for a truth that “to revel in the One” is the only way to live life on Earth the way it deserves to be lived, you consciously and deliberately and may I add, pervertedly choose the enticing and actually corrosive colours of the mind’s various tantalising dances.And when you do so, as you rightly say, wherefore is the validity of the beacon light of the poor artifices of the mind – you will just be.# So JUST DO IT. Revel in the one without further ado, and I would be excited and curious to know what sort of content your post on relationships with hold then. 🙂

  9. Dear P,I had scarcely begun wondering about the sudden outpouring of kindness when your second comment brought me back to reality! 🙂 I have a lot to thank you for, and as far as the gift goes, I dunno… 🙂Why do you think that the mind is always perverted? I am shocked when some people think that the mind is essentially cunning. I agree that the mind alone is capable of scheming, but the mind is also what leads one to the gates of great realisation. One cannot realise entirely on the support of the mind but one can nevertheless transcend minor barriers with the aid of the mind. There are few who are well guided on the path to realisation, by the Divine hand. But should they not come to the aid of those who are still trapped in the vortex of thought and illusion? Would you rather that someone who is aware, discourage the seeker who still works in the mental plane or guide him along and away from the purely mental plane into the glow of the Divine? A puppy trapped in the mire has to touch filth before it can step out and walk towards the cleansing waters that pour down the butte. Would it be fair to reprimand it for wading through muck when that is inevitable?Clarity achieved on the mental plane facilitates realising the Divine. Some rush to realising the Divine and are like birds with nowhere to land. It is vital that the seeker disconnects himself gradually from the mental plane (which is very very powerful in its effect on the human soul).Reveling in the One is not a decision. As I have often said, the Divine chooses who shall join in the cosmic dance and no human will can effect that inclusion. Hence, I cannot simply do it. 🙂Nevertheless, if I do learn the dance of the Divine and am dancing there, I would not shun the need to address those who aren’t inclined towards the Divine and wish to resolve their problem here and now. This post is for those who wish to address their relationships at the mental plane and do not want to or cannot meditate on the nature of the Divine. One who only wishes to cure his stomach ache so that he can enjoy another pot of toddy, cannot be asked to realise the virtue of not being addicted or consuming the most satwic foods. His ache is in his way of enjoying what he wants to. As a physician, I would give him the medicine to cure his stomach ache and also let him know that it will recur and he should try to recognise bodily symptoms before a relapse. It might not be in his destiny to tire of this and seek a way to rid himself of this torment (samsara?). If he does tire and approaches me to find out how he can rid himself of this, I will speak to him in his language and lead him towards that point up to which a person can be lead. Back to the 18 verses! 🙂

  10. # Why assume/think that my outpouring of kindness is unreal and only my second comment to be real?# May I say as a nonsequitur that it is me who owes immeasureably to you, for the way unconsciously or deliberately I have gained from many of your great and not so great posts/zen koans, not to mention the impeccable profundity that is named the “18 verses”?# I never said that the mind is perverted; I said that your way of handling things becomes perverted especially because you, who knows that Oneness is the only way to be, try hard (and think that you succeed :-D) to find solutions to the problems of the world or those that belong to other worlds, choose to resort to the UNREGENERATED MIND’S way of solving problems and resolving issues, which lead us nowhere anyway. I meant that through the mind core issues are not looked at – the spiritual degeneration and blindness that makes a mire of all relationships, and all life too…# To guide the blind, you cannot be blind yourself; you have to be sighted; you when you have the Divine Oneness as an experience will not be able to solve the problems of others who lead a more ignorant life, by providing solutions THAT ARE JUST ANOTHER TERM OF THEIR IGNORANCE; you have to provide solutions FROM YOUR LIGHT TO THEIR IGNORANCE, so that the ignorance disappears; otherwise all talk is just that – a person who has had 5 failed marriages cannot lead a feuding couple to a harmony, with the claim that he knows what discord is all about – he has to know how to live a happy LASTING relationship/marriage.# The clarity achieved on the mental plane, is just that – a clarity on the mental plane. Visavis the Divine Realisation, it makes that clear mind a better instrument of manifestation of the REALISED DIVINE TRUTH. # Seen in that sense, everything in this world is the decision of the Divine; not just the revelation of the One to oneself. By that token we may as well shut shop and our discussion just now!# I sincerely feel that I should close this discussion here; so that I can live under the grand illusion that I have had the last word. :-D. Or poor little one (I mean “YOU”) can reply scathingly to this comment of mine and we can call it quits for this post! # From a stage of complete abstention from all things BLOGS (writing, commenting and all else), to this sorry condition of incessant commenting, I have come a long way. Though I am not convinced that it is for the good of poor me. Maybe I can make this a swansong of sorts and truly keep to my longforgotten decision of keeping away from blogs. Maybe I should. Hopefully I can.NOW, you are supposed to beg me saying “No, no, P, don’t stop commenting.It entertains if it does little else.”# OK Then. Bye for this post—–

  11. Hi Eroteme.. Going by the comments… it seems u have opened the Pandora’s box!!!However, here is my 2 pence worth!Nothing in life is permanent..relationships included. I dont mean only relations per se, but also the quality of relation ships. I notice a constant fluctuation in the quality all the time. Two people grow not at the same pace and not in the same direction even and so as time goes by we may find ourselves at cross roads.. I want to go this way and he wants to go there. As long as we realise this and keep a watch (knowledge of the self) we understand why things are not working out any more. The next important step is then to let go… Not as easy as that ofcourse practically…Rgds

  12. Wanted to leave my say but thrown off completely by the comment box and the LONG LONG comments :)) Now I’m not sure what I was going to say anymore 🙂Don’t you think most relationships face rough waters because of expectations and taking things for granted. And yet you cannot build a relationship without expectations. So it is a difficult situation to handle anyway.

  13. Dear P,🙂 The last word is yours! Personally it would sadden me if you stopped commenting, but the choice is yours.Dear M,Life itself isn’t permanent. A relationship needs constant energy to be poured into it. I personally believe (and I do not have 1st hand experience here) that the physical aspect of a marriage dulls after 3 years. An intelligent/wise/passionate couple would strive to keep things fresh and creative so that the spice is not lost. So be it at the emotional/psychological plane. I don’t think people need to grow at the same pace or in the same direction. Like a tripod, the differences might be what supports and gives stability and this would be in line with Munmun’s comment. If the I predominates then the relationship is pointless, which is why I said that it is vital to understand why someone got into a relationship. If it is to lead your life in your own way, but simply have a companion/father/confidant/physical partner, then the other person should perhaps be aware of it. Personally, I would love to never consider separation as an alternative.Dear M (TSU),😦 My apologies, sometimes we do get carried away. I wish you could return to the post and ignore the comments. Perhaps that will bring back what you wished to say? Hmm? Unrecognised expectations does cause problems. If I, in conversation or explicitly, state and express my intentions that I want a woman who doesn’t go out to work then there is no surprise (and sometimes that is good). If I wanted a woman who wasn’t dependent, I would say so. Not everything can be known upfront, but the most essential has to be thought out. If one enters a relationship in the flow of sentiments and hormones, then there is bound to be a period of shock. At which point it helps to understand the three patterns I refer to. Being without expectations doesn’t create earthy relationships and their quality is too fine to be described here. Yes, such relationships exist. 🙂

  14. Hmmm. No begging? 🙂# Anyway, dear Eroteme, let me use this platform of your blog to express thanks to you for all the bright joy that I have experienced just reading the eclectic beauty, truth and light that fill your writings to a surfeit. # I am convinced that it is time to say Good Bye (hopefully a permanent one :-D) to blogging and God Bless to you, one of my most favourite bloggers!

  15. Hi Eroteme.. Sorry to make this longer.. But a clarification. I do not think that its necessary for people to grow at the same pace and direction to be happy in a relationship. But people can grow apart simply because they have grown to be very different people by growing in different ways and paces.. Example of someone in a inter religious marriage where one partner turns quite intolerant to the others religious beliefs (real example). Ideally no relationship should result in separation.. but relationships sometimes can get ugly (I hope you dont have to see that ever-just take my word for the time being) and self preservation = separation!!

  16. Dear P,Not fair… 😦 I really wish you wouldn’t go. There have been so many people who told me that they preferred your comments to my original post!! At least for their sake, if this blog’s cause is not worth your attention. 😦 Dear M,Not a war, but a beautiful discussion. Why only women? 😀 I would refrain from commenting on that… ;-pDear M,No apologies, please… 🙂 I agree that people can grow apart and that happens quite often, but one should try to revisit a relationship at various points and peer into the waters to figure out what one really wanted/expected. If two people, say of different religions, fall in love wouldn’t it be wise to visit what is it that they really love? If they go one step further to get married, shouldn’t they at that point visit why they want to spend their life together and what are the permissibles and what is something they will disallow in the marriage (because they wish to make the marriage work)? I agree that this appears too scientific, but I believe relationships are both of the heart and the head; only one and we will most likely run into problems… Given that such thought hadn’t gotten into the relationship at any earlier stage, separation is best as the relationship is unlike what was initially imagined. At a point when a relationship ceases to be one, it doesn’t matter what is done with it… 😐

  17. Hi Again.. I agree with all you say in the ideal world. In the real world people (or atleast some)say things they dont mean, change their minds about what they said earlier, say something while meaning something else and so on. One thing is for sure .. a relationship that does not remain one any more.. is like a separation that is not really a separation too. But painful all the same.

  18. very very nicely writteni see you have had a lot of heated argumentsand actually, its one topic we can never argue enough on, na?yet there is never any solutionwill we ever understand these affairs of the heart?

  19. Dear M,What you say is true, but should we cast away the ideal as something that cannot be achieved or should we realise the ideal and work towards it? Dear R,Glad you liked it. I don’t see any heated arguments! 😮 There is never a solution in general, but there is scope for solving our approach to personal relationships. One rule, anyway, doesn’t work for all… 🙂

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s